A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' 'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly. OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.' To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?

Bathtub Test During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?" "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!! (Unfortunately it probably will) LOST IN THE DAMNEDEST PLACES An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard,' he says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

FAMILY Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or down?' The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood..' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'

'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!' Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer ....'

LITTLE LADY: A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her night-gown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'

OLD FRIENDS: Now this one is just too Precious... ! Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is ' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

SENIOR DRIVING As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Ernie, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said Ernie, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

DRIVING Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!' Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?' TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!

Michelle Obama's Warning to Barack  What Do You Think? During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. 'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.' 'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.' 'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?' ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

Little Johnny Strikes Again A teacher in New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were McCain fans.. Not really knowing what a McCain fan was, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he decided to be different...again. Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not a McCain fan.' The teacher said, 'Why aren't you a McCain fan?' Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Democrat.' The teacher asked why he's a Democrat. Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Democrat and my Dad's a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat.' The teacher asks, 'If your Mom was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?' With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me a McCain fan.' I always liked Little Johnny.

My Dog Is Dead A Man lived alone in the countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day, the dog died, and the Man went to his pastor and said, "Pastor, my dog is dead. Could there be a service for the poor creature?" The Pastor replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new church down the road, and there's no telling what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the animal; you can go and find out". Then the Man answered innocently, "I'll go right away Pastor. But do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the burial service?" The Pastor exclaimed, "Sweet Jesus! Why didn't you tell me the dog was a Christian?"

A Good Chuckle Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from Detroit showed up. Never having seen anyone from Detroit at heaven's Door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group. A few minutes later, St. Peter returned to God, breathless, and said, "They're gone!" 'What? All of the Detroiters are gone?' asked God. 'No!' replied Saint Peter. 'The Pearly Gates!'

Mouse Trap A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. What food might this contain?" the mouse wondered - - - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap. Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning : There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr.Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it." The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry, Mr.Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers." The mouse turned to the cow and said, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose." So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap . . . alone. That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever. Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient. But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig. The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them. The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness. So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember ---- when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk. We are all involved in this journey called life We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another. REMEMBER. . . . . . EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY; OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON. One of the best things to hold onto in this world is a FRIEND.

EVER WONDER .... Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? ! Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible Black Box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupid ity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words,send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while!!!

White folk ain't stupid! White folk wanted to make the USA a great country. What did they do? They went to Africa and enslaved Blacks to turn the country into an agricultural powerhouse. White folk wanted to make Washington D.C. a great city. What did they do? They used a Black man to design the city and Black labor to build it. White folk wanted to explore the western USA. What did they do? Lewis and Clark took a Black slave with them to negotiate with the Indians. White folk wanted to end the Civil War. What did they do? They freed the slaves who helped win the war. White folk wanted to take San Juan Hill. What did they do? Teddy Roosevelt rushed up the hill, got in trouble, and was rescued by Blacks who took the hill. White folk wanted to take the middle and western USA from the Indians. What did they do? They sent the Buffalo soldiers to protect the settlers and to fight the Indians. White folk wanted to raise cattle in the mid west. What did they do? They hired cowboys to do it (Yes, most cowboys were Black.) White folk wanted to explore the North Pole. What did they do? Admiral Perry took a Black guide along to get him there. The guide reached the pole before Perry. White folk wanted to make the USA armed forces better. What did they do? Truman integrated the military. White folk wanted to improve college and pro sports and make more money doing so. What did they do? They integrated sports and built larger stadiums and arenas and tougher golf courses. Now, White folk want a new president to straighten out the Bush mess. WHAT WILL THEY DO, BASED ON HISTORY???? WHITE FOLKS AIN'T STUPID!

TOP 17 COUNTRY WESTERN SONGS for 2007 17. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine 16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long 15. If I Can't Be Number One in Your Life, Then Number Two on You 14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me 13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? 12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well 11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better 10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win 9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight 8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here 7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be out Of Prison By Now 6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him 5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger 4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly 3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure 2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer *And the Number #1 country song is: 1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With An Ugly Woman , But I Sure Done Woke Up With a Few!

Close your eyes...And go back... ....Before the Internet or PC or the MAC...... ....Before semi-automatics and crack.... ....Before Playstation, SEGA, Super Nintendo, even before Atari... ....Before cell phones, CD's, DVD's, voicemail and e-mail.... ....way back.... ....way.....way.....way back..... I'm talkin' bout hide and seek at dusk Red light, Green light Red Rover....Red Rover..... Playing kickball & dodgeball until the first...no...second...no...third Street light came on Ring around the Rosie London Bridge Hot potato Hop Scotch Jump rope Duck....duck....GOOSE!!! YOU'RE IT!! Parents stood on the front porch and yelled (or whistled) for you to come home - no pagers or cell phones Mother May I? Hula Hoops Seeing shapes in the clouds Endless summer days and hot summer nights (no A/C) with the windows open The sound of crickets Running through the sprinkler Cereal boxes with that GREAT prize in the bottom Cracker jacks with the same thing Ice pops with 2 sticks you could break and share with a friend ...but wait.....there's more.... Watchin' Saturday Morning cartoons Fat Albert, Road Runner, Tom & Jerry, Heckle & Jeckle, Pink Panther, Richochet Rabbit, Schoolhouse Rock Watchin' Sunday morning oldies (Abbott & Costello, Three Stooges, Tarzan, Shirley Temple OR WONDERAMA!!) Wonder Woman & Super Man Underoos Catchin' lightning bugs in a jar Your first day of school Bedtime Prayers and Goodnight Kisses Climbing trees Swinging as high as you could to try and reach the sky Getting an Ice Cream off the Good Humor Truck A million mosquito bites and sticky fingers Jumpin' down the steps Jumpin' on the bed Pillow fights Sleep-overs A 13" black and white TV in your room meant you were RICH Runnin' till you were out of breath Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt Being tired from PLAYING WORK: meant taking out the garbage or doing the dishes Your first crush Your first kiss (the one that you kept your mouth CLOSED and your eyes OPEN Rainy days at school meant playing "Heads up 7UP" or hangman" in the classroom, remember that? Oh, I'm not finished yet.... Kool-Aid was the drink of the summer So was a swig from the hose Giving your friends a ride on your handlebars Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school Class Field Trips with soggy sandwiches When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there When a quarter seemed like a fair allowance; and another quarter a MIRACLE When ANY parent could discipline ANY kid, or feed him, or use him to carry groceries...And nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it. When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited you at home. Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! And some of us are still afraid of em! Didn't that feel good? Just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that!" Well, let's keep going!! Let's go back to the time when... Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo" Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!" "Race issues" meant arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "monopoly" Catching fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends. Being old, referred to anyone over 20. The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties. Nobody was prettier than Mom Scrapes and bruises were kissed by mom or grandma and made better It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park. Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true. Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare" Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles. The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team. Water balloons were the ultimate, ultimate weapon. Older siblings were your worst tormentors, but also your fiercest protector If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!!

Two buddies, Zac and Darrel, were getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Darrel throws up all over himself. "Oh, no . ... Now my wife will kill me!" Zac says, "Don't worry, Bro. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill." So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Darrel stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!" Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Darrel says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha yew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me . . . he had one too many! And he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!" His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks . . . " "Oh, yeah . . . I almos' fergot, he shit in my pants, too."

The Secret of a Long Marriage The minister asked his congregation if anyone had been married for fifty years. Ralph stood up. "I'll celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary this summer," he announced. After a round of applause, the minister asked Ralph to share some insight into successful married life. Ralph replied, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, and took her travelling on special occasions." The minister asked, "Like where, Ralph?" "Well, for our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing," responded Ralph. The minister responded enthusiastically, "What a terrific example you are, Ralph. And what do you have planned for your 50th anniversary?" "I'm going back to Beijing to get her!"  CHRISTMAS DIVORCE

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No, they're NOT getting a divorce, she shouts. I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her Dad, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife. "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own way." No Child Left Behind, But What Happened To Stanley Little Johnnie at it again

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name. "Stanley," responds the little boy. "And what is your question, Stanley?" "I have 4 questions: 1st, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? 2nd, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? 3rd, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" 4th, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance? Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kid that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?" One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name. "LiL Johnnie," he responds. "And what is your question, LiL Johnnie?" "Actually, I have 6 questions. 1st, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? 2nd, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? 3rd, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? 4th, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance? 5th, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? 6th, what the hell happened to Stanley?